Look over the paragraphs that other students selected in the "Find a Paragraph" blog entry below.
Find one that you think is NOT a paragraph or that you think is a pretty poor one. Critique that paragraph according to the criteria we discussed in class -- topic sentence, unity, development, completeness, coherence (transition).
Be complete but kind in your critique. If you can learn to objectively evaluate other people's writing, you will become better at evaluating your own writing. Hey, better you than your professor. ;-)
Post your evaluation by Monday, January 24. Remember, THE CRITIQUE ITSELF NEEDS TO BE A PARAGRAPH.
Ohio Wesleyan’s overall enrollment is approximately 1,850, representing 47 states and 50 countries. The student body is almost equally divided between males and females. About 53% of the students are from Ohio. The University is strongly committed to racial, ethnic, and cultural diversity. The multi-cultural enrollment total of 21 percent includes 11 percent US multicultural students and 10 percent international students.
ReplyDeleteI believe that this is not a very good example of a paragraph. The first sentence is not really a topic sentence, but it just lists facts about Ohio Wesleyan. The sentence would be better used as facts supporting a composed argument about the enrollment at Ohio Wesleyan. The following four sentences do still focus on the enrollment at OWU, so there is unity, but again they are just listing facts. These sentences would be a paragraph if they were used as development or support of the presented point about the enrollment at Ohio Wesleyan. The fourth sentence in the above would be an excellent topic sentence. It is developed by the following sentence, but the rest of the sentences would not fit in. Overall, this is not the best example because the majority of the sentences are just stating facts, but these facts do not support a clear topic sentence or claim.
Mrs. Sessor walked into the room. She said, It is time for Language Arts. Please clear your desk. After she taught us Language Arts she let us have a bathroom break. After the bathroom break we went to PE with Mr. H. We got to play with the parachute. It was fun.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.radford.edu/~bpendleto/exampleandnonexampleparagraph2.htm
This example is a perfect "non-paragraph." Actually all this is, is a sequence of events. Each thing that happens includes no detail whatsoever; the sentences are comparable to bare bones. The first sentence is not a topic sentence at all. A topic sentence should state some kind of an argument, where this one simply jumps right in with an action. The following sentences, which should be detail-oriented, represent some sort of time line or schedule. Continuing, the reader expects a conclusive sentence. The three words at the end of this “paragraph” is the closest it has to a conclusion. This needs some serious detail and thought added in order to be considered as a paragraph.
“Choking under pressure is a familiar phenomenon for most of us—who hasn't occasionally been paralyzed by fear and failure when faced with a seemingly impossible task? But as researchers report in Science, some are more affected by performance anxiety than others. And to test a relatively simple way to release that worry and anxiety, scientists at the University of Chicago turned to an undeniably angst-ridden situation that nearly all of us can understand—taking a test.”
ReplyDeleteThis is not a complete and well-developed paragraph. Although it may work as a transition from one paragraph to another, it does not provide enough detail to be considered complete. The topic sentence could be a stronger statement, and following the topic sentence, the writer should explain the issue of anxiety further. The writer tries to provide some examples in relation to the topic, but the examples are lacking explanations and statistical evidence. In conclusion, the biggest problem that needs to be fixed in this paragraph is the lack of additional information and explanations that should support the topic sentence.
In 2007-2008, Ohio Wesleyan won the NCAC All-Sports trophy for the second consecutive year, posting top-3 finishes in seven of the nine spring sports and winning championships in baseball, golf, women's lacrosse, men's outdoor track & field; and men's and women's indoor track & field. The Bishops finished in the top 5 in 19 of the 22 sports in which the NCAC offers championships. This year marks the eighth time OWU has won the All-Sports Championship.
ReplyDeleteThis is not a good example of a complete paragraph. It is composed of three sentences, in which the topic sentence does not clearly express a single theme. Because the topic is not clearly identified, the subsequent sentences do not provide sufficient detail or examples. Although the paragraph is unified around Ohio Wesleyan athletics, it lacks coherence, because the author does not stay consistent to a specific aspect of OWU athletics.
According to police, Barnes communicated through text messages with her half sister about 12:30 p.m. the day she disappeared. The ex-boyfriend of the half-sister was moving out of the apartment and said he saw Barnes on the couch at about 1:30 p.m., but when he came back to the apartment at about 5:10 p.m., Barnes was not there. The door was reportedly unlocked, and the music in the apartment was extremely loud. Last week, Baltimore police spokesman Anthony J. Guglielmi said the FBI did a profile on the girl and found no reason she would run away. She is a good student with no emotional disturbances in her life, he said.
ReplyDeleteThis does not fit the profile of a paragraph. This paragraph does not serve to explain or prove any kind of working thesis and has no topic sentence. This is a group of sentences that give details and serve only to describe an event. Specific details are the only component of a true paragraph that this group of sentences contains.
Knowing he was going to be asked about basking in the Cavaliers' humiliation, LeBron should have owned it. He should have said they'd hated him — the players' refusal to shake hands in Cleveland, the owner's crazy post-Decision screed with its own talk of karma — and he was therefore reveling in their struggles. He should have embraced the role that's fueled his phenomenal play this season. He should have shown he's listening to his own inner-villain voice and moving away from letting the sycophants surrounding him impact any more of his decision-making. Instead, LeBron stood, smiled warmly and, when a reporter crowding around him accidentally bumped LeBron's arm, apologized quickly and profusely. Then he got to it. Without anything that sounded like an ounce of candor.
ReplyDeleteThis is a bad paragraph. It has a topic sentence which is explained in the paragraph, but there are bad transitions and lack unity.
Choking under pressure is a familiar phenomenon for most of us—who hasn't occasionally been paralyzed by fear and failure when faced with a seemingly impossible task? But as researchers report in Science, some are more affected by performance anxiety than others. And to test a relatively simple way to release that worry and anxiety, scientists at the University of Chicago turned to an undeniably angst-ridden situation that nearly all of us can understand—taking a test.
ReplyDeleteThis may follow some of the rules of the paragraph such that it is indented at the top and it consists of more than one sentence. However, even though it states a topic sentence the sentence is not very clear and concise. The topic could be a little more limited. Furthermore, there is not much development in the following sentences after the topic is introduced. When a more detailed topic is mentioned about the general topic, the idea is not expanded. This paragraph does not seem to be organized in a productive way and when the paragraph ends and is unable to fully inform the reader about the topic.
Fairbanks Gymnasium is built, giving Ohio Wesleyan its first forum for physical education and athletics. The building was located east and slightly south of the current location of Elliott Hall and was named in honor of Charles W. Fairbanks, class of 1872, who later became Vice President of the United States under Theodore Roosevelt. Prior to the opening of Fairbanks Gymnasium, the University's limited physical education facilities were located in the basement of Elliott Hall.
ReplyDeleteThis is not an example of a well written paragraph. The topic sentence does state a controlling idea but the succeeding sentences display no further evidence or examples. The following sentences talk about the location and naming of the gymnasium, not about Fairbanks Gymnasium being the first forum for physical education and athletics. The author highlights no examples of courses or sports that have taken place in the gymnasium. The author also goes off onto a tangent about Fairbanks achievements. This is more of a descriptive paragraph of how the Fairbanks Gymnasium came to be located and named, not how it was the first forum for physical education and athletics.
Although they cover less than 2 percent of Earth's surface, they house an estimated 50 percent of all life on the planet. The immense numbers of creatures that inhabit the tropical rainforests are so great—an estimated 5-50 million species— they are almost incomprehensible. The sheer range of numbers alone suggests the limited extent of our knowledge of these forests. For example, whereas temperate forests are often dominated by a half dozen tree species or fewer that make up 90 percent of the trees in the forest, a tropical rainforest may have more than 480 tree species in a single hectare (2.5 acres). A single bush in the Amazon may have more species of ants than the entire British Isles. This diversity of rainforests is not a haphazard event, but is the result of a series of unique circumstances.
ReplyDeleteThis is a bad paragraph because:
the topic sentence does not really describe what "they" are.
It jumps straight from a four to a 2ish sentence
This paragraph seems to be too general, I think that it should have a little bit more detail
Also it doesnt answer the question "so what?"
Ohio Wesleyan’s overall enrollment is approximately 1,850, representing 47 states and 50 countries. The student body is almost equally divided between males and females. About 53% of the students are from Ohio. The University is strongly committed to racial, ethnic, and cultural diversity. The multi-cultural enrollment total of 21 percent includes 11 percent US multicultural students and 10 percent international students.
ReplyDeleteI don't believe that this is a paragraph because it doesn't go from general to specific, it jumps around. The paragraph starts of by introducing Ohio Wesleyan's enrollment by talking about the different places that our students are from. The sentence that follows talks about gender instead of location. The author of this should have used the third sentence to follow up the topic sentence. A possible solution after that could have been breaking up which counties of Ohio people are from then talking about from the counties if they come to public schools or private schools.
Choking under pressure is a familiar phenomenon for most of us—who hasn't occasionally been paralyzed by fear and failure when faced with a seemingly impossible task? But as researchers report in Science, some are more affected by performance anxiety than others. And to test a relatively simple way to release that worry and anxiety, scientists at the University of Chicago turned to an undeniably angst-ridden situation that nearly all of us can understand—taking a test.
ReplyDeleteAlthough this combination of words has unity and a topic sentence, it cannot be considered a paragraph. The topic sentence is too broad and the successive sentences have an obvious lack of detail. This lack of detail in turn gives it an aura of incompleteness. Additionally, its "statistics” are questionable at best. The second sentence, although seemingly stating an obvious fact, bases its accuracy upon mystical researchers who work for Science (which I think is a magazine). The last sentence, which I believe is saying that Scientists at the University of Chicago are researching ways to reduce worry and anxiety by making people take tests, doesn't give any information about the topic and is almost incoherent. Furthermore, the last sentence is so inconclusive that it leaves the reader wondering what they had just read.
Ohio Wesleyan’s overall enrollment is approximately 1,850, representing 47 states and 50 countries. The student body is almost equally divided between males and females. About 53% of the students are from Ohio. The University is strongly committed to racial, ethnic, and cultural diversity. The multi-cultural enrollment total of 21 percent includes 11 percent US multicultural students and 10 percent international students.
ReplyDeleteI don't believe this is a paragraph because it merely lists statistcs. Sure, it starts out with a sentence that shows that the rest of the paragraph will talk about statistics, but it reads more like a list of details rather than a coherent paragraph. It is choppy and it jumps around the subject.
I would also say that the part that states "The University is strongly committed to racial, ethnic, and cultural diversity." could even start a new 'paragraph', because although it is introducing a new component to the paragraph rather than continuing the original topic.
Ohio Wesleyan’s overall enrollment is approximately 1,850, representing 47 states and 50 countries. The student body is almost equally divided between males and females. About 53% of the students are from Ohio. The University is strongly committed to racial, ethnic, and cultural diversity. The multi-cultural enrollment total of 21 percent includes 11 percent US multicultural students and 10 percent international students.
ReplyDeleteThis is not a great paragraph as it does not follow many of the rules we discussed in class. The topic sentence starts out very specific and does not introduce what the rest of the paragraph is about; it introduces the diversity of the students but then moves onto gender. The focus of the paragraph skips around. For example, it starts with international and domestic diversity, then moves to gender, and then back to multicultural students. The paragraph also lacks details as the only information it actually provides is statistics. The lack of transitions also fails to unify the paragraph, therefore making it seem incomplete.
Choking under pressure is a familiar phenomenon for most of us—who hasn't occasionally been paralyzed by fear and failure when faced with a seemingly impossible task? But as researchers report in Science, some are more affected by performance anxiety than others. And to test a relatively simple way to release that worry and anxiety, scientists at the University of Chicago turned to an undeniably angst-ridden situation that nearly all of us can understand—taking a test.
ReplyDeleteAlthough the first sentence catches the eyes of readers, it is not a good topic sentence. It shows that the paragraph should be about freezing when confronted with a difficult task. The paragraph does not follow with that topic much and branches off onto performance anxiety and tests about it. It does not develope the idea of freezing and just gives examples of tests without relating them to the topic sentecne.
Ohio Wesleyan’s overall enrollment is approximately 1,850, representing 47 states and 50 countries. The student body is almost equally divided between males and females. About 53% of the students are from Ohio. The University is strongly committed to racial, ethnic, and cultural diversity. The multi-cultural enrollment total of 21 percent includes 11 percent US multicultural students and 10 percent international students
ReplyDeleteThis is not a paragraph, as it does not follow the basic downshifting rules; creation of the topic sentence, explanation and details of an issue and an example to establish the points being raised. Firstly, there is no topic sentence as foundation to develop the paragraph but a group of sentences that can be a topic to be discussed .The sentences here are facts that have been put together that give information about the school. Therefore, there are no transitions, which help to cohere a paragraph as each sentence has a different idea or fact. As result, the next tool of downshifting is eliminated, as there is no topic sentence to introduce an issue to give a detailed explanation, which therefore allows for no illustrations or examples. The group of sentences therefore cannot be classified as a paragraph.
"Another new aspect of the experience will be a composer’s workshop. Selected students will collaborate in a one-day seminar with Ohio Wesleyan's young new composer, Dr. Clint Needham. Major orchestras and bands from across the country have commissioned and performed works by Dr. Needham, and his most recent commission was announced from the fabled stage of Carnegie Hall. Participating students will have the opportunity to compose with computer music applications; a sampling of these works will be performed during the festival concert."
ReplyDeleteThis is the problem I faced when choosing a paragraph: how to choose one with a clear, coherent topic sentence. It caused me to reject several of them simply because the first sentence wasn't good enough. The first sentence in this one says: “Another new aspect of the experience will be a composer’s workshop.” What exactly is the experience? It may have been mentioned earlier but it does not justify the topic sentence. Most importantly though, the paragraph lacks unity in the middle. Notice how it shifts to talking about Mr. Needham’s achievements. That one sentence somehow destroys the paragraph because hey, we are talking about the music workshop here. I would blame it on the inherent nature of the para as its too short and does not elaborate more on what the music workshop would be. That somehow makes this para seem a bit incomplete.
Violent street demonstrations, followed by the toppling of a dictator, are an exhilarating way to bring democracy to an authoritarian society. They are not, however, the best way to bring democracy to an authoritarian society. While watching Tunisia's "Jasmine Revolution" unfold, remember this: Street demonstrations can unexpectedly bring extremists into power, as they did in Iran in 1979. They can create unrealistic expectations and then unravel, as did the Orange Revolution that began in Ukraine in 2004. And they can end badly, with reactionary violence, like the 1989 protests in Tiananmen Square.
ReplyDeleteThis is a good piece of writing, however, it more greatly applies to spreads of writing in novels and other more lengthy pieces where single paragraphs hold little significance, as well as not a great amount of focus on a central point or thesis, but more of a rambling of facts that are framed with argument. Although there is a good amount of information in this "paragraph", it is poorly written as not to come to more narrow conclusions and elaborate as it goes down. The first sentence would not be considered a 5 in downshifting, as it seems to need some kind of introduction and not provide a broad enough introduction. Overall, there is some valid rhetoric in this piece of writing, but it's pattern of elaboration makes it less effective in a way of making a point, and was more literary. in the writing, yet it never elaborates on what the sentence before was saying.
Ohio Wesleyan’s overall enrollment is approximately 1,850, representing 47 states and 50 countries. The student body is almost equally divided between males and females. About 53% of the students are from Ohio. The University is strongly committed to racial, ethnic, and cultural diversity. The multi-cultural enrollment total of 21 percent includes 11 percent US multicultural students and 10 percent international students.
ReplyDeleteBy definition, the group of facts, above, should not be considered a paragraph. Although it begins with a sentence about enrollment that creates unity among the rest of the facts, it is not exactly a topic sentence. It may state a related fact, but it does not pertain to the development of the rest of the paragraph. The fourth sentence may have been a better way to start off the paragraph and then use the rest as examples of how OWU is achieving the diversity goal. Furthermore, the body of the so called paragraph does not develop about the statistics, but just states more of them without explanation. In addition to the need for development, the lack of transitional phrases creates an uneven flow to the paragraph. Overall, unity is all the collection of sentences has, while it has a shortage of development, purpose, and a worthy topic sentence.
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ReplyDeleteThe computers in CORNS 303 have DataFerrett. Just go to “Course Specific Software” and “Economics” and click on the icon. (If you would like to install DataFerrett on your computer, there is no charge. Just go to http://dataferrett.census.gov/ and follow the instructions to download the program.). Click on Launch BetaDataFerrett on the right hand part of the page. The federal government requires you to enter your full e-mail address, e.g., rjgitter@owu.edu, below the picture of the ferret on the screen. Do this and click on “OK” and Step 1 Select Data set and Variables. You should see the screen below.
ReplyDeleteI chose this non-paragraph from one of my Econ assignments.
I believe this a good example of what some people may believe is a paragraph but is really not. Just like the list of facts about OWU that a lot of people chose to critique, the only paragraph like qualities this has is the size/shape and that at first appearance it seems to be about one topic. It too is really nothing more than a few stated facts. There is no topic sentence or even one main throughout the body, and there is certainly no downshifting. Basically what I’m saying is that just because something looks like the body of a paragraph, doesn’t mean it is one.
Ohio Wesleyan’s overall enrollment is approximately 1,850, representing 47 states and 50 countries. The student body is almost equally divided between males and females. About 53% of the students are from Ohio. The University is strongly committed to racial, ethnic, and cultural diversity. The multi-cultural enrollment total of 21 percent includes 11 percent US multicultural students and 10 percent international students.
ReplyDeleteThe above is a perfect example of an informative group of sentences that are not actually a paragraph. Firstly, the topic sentence in this sample only includes a rather cut-and-dry fact. A paragraph should always have a topic sentence that frames the writer's main idea, but this sentence is too vague to showcase the author's concept. Also, the sentences that follow do not develop any sort of idea. They simply contain different facts about Ohio Wesleyan University that are factual, but not transitional. Overall, this writing is exact in content, but devoid of proper paragraph structure.
"Ohio Wesleyan’s overall enrollment is approximately 1,850, representing 47 states and 50 countries. The student body is almost equally divided between males and females. About 53% of the students are from Ohio. The University is strongly committed to racial, ethnic, and cultural diversity. The multi-cultural enrollment total of 21 percent includes 11 percent US multicultural students and 10 percent international students."
ReplyDeleteI do not believe this is a paragraph, there is no concluding idea. It is to basic and does not follow a generalized idea.
Also does not follow the downshift.
Any significant absence for Bynum could be a major problem for the two-time defending NBA champion Lakers, who had lost their last five games before taking on the Spurs.
ReplyDeleteThis is not a paragraph because it does not downshift at all. While it completes a thought, there are no transitions because these few lines only cover one idea.
Luke Donald could take over the top spot in the world ranking with a victory at Hilton Head. Even if he doesn't, he's looking and acting like a different player these days, thanks to changes in his attitude and support team.
ReplyDeleteI do not believe this is a good paragraph. The paragraph is choppy and is not complete. I do not think it offers complete information and leaves the reader wanting to know more. The wording is confusing and does not follow correct tenses. This was found at the PGA official website and seems strange that it was not edited more. The last sentence should say “supportive team” or “support from the team.” It is lacking a downshift which leaves you more confused.